Parenting Matters: Conflict Resolution Strategies

Richard Cain, PhD, president of Health Promotion Solutions of Southern New England, LLC, offered a presentation on conflict resolution and better communication at Parenting Matters 2005: Practical Information for Rasing Children.

Cain suggests that before you begin to resolve a conflict, you must first ask yourself if you are the problem or contributing a large degree to the problem? Once you have answered that question honestly, you can begin to find a solution by following these steps:

Clarify the issue to the mutual satisfaction of each party

• Pinpoint what is causing the conflict from each perspective.
• Check the perceptions of each other’s position.

Express emotions, but don’t act out negative behaviors.

• Understand that it is okay to feel angry, but not okay to be physically aggressive.
• Express your feelings and allow your child or other party to express his or hers.
• Listen to the words behind the emotions.

Prioritize the issues about which you are conflicting.

• Deal with one issue at a time.
• Deal with specific issues.
• Deal with issues that can be changed.
• Deal with the most important issue first..
• Deal with present behavior issues, not past or future behavior issues.

Avoid provoking further conflict.

• Be careful of your word choice.
• Do not resort to name calling.
• Stay away from hot-button issues that are not related to the conflict.
• Do not use disconfirming responses.
• Do not make the other party feel cornered.
• Do not dehumanize.

Deal with what happened, not why it happened.

• Avoid interpreting the motives and attitudes of the other.

Agree to disagree.

• You will not agree on everything; allow yourself to disagree.
• Let the person you are having a conflict with continue to speak even when they may be being critical. Invite them to do so with the following phrases:
  • “Go on”
  • “I’m confused, please say that again”
  • “Give me a specific example”
  • “Say more about that”
  • “Spell that out further”
  • “Tell me what you have in mind”
• To keep the conversation going, it is important to say what you agree with before say what you disagree with.

Carefully monitor your own and the other party's non-verbal communication.

• Non-verbal communication is a very powerful indication of a person's desires, needs and feelings.
• Facial expressions such as smiling or frowning clearly communicate pleasure or displeasure.
• Posture, such as having the arms crossed, can communicate an unwillingness to participate. On the other hand, open arms signals a willingness to go ahead.
• Have both parties sit down. Standing tends to feed anger.

Practice active listening.

• Do not argue your point of view until you understand the point of view of the other party.
• Practice reflective listening until the other person is ready to listen to you. They must believe that you are really listening and understanding their point of view.

When communicating:

• Avoid giving advice.
• Use "I" messages rather than "you" messages: For example, "I feel _________ when you ________ because it ___________.”

Deal appropriately with resistance.

• Bring the resistance to the surface.
• Honor the resistance.
• Listen to the resistance.
• Acknowledge the resistance.
• Acknowledge the right to feel resistance.
• Explore the resistance.
• Address the nature of the resistance.
• Probe the resistance.
• Re-check each person ’s position.

Develop an action plan.

• Avoid early resolution.
• Explore solutions
• Mention and analyze alternative solutions to the problem or consequence.
• Choose a solution.

For more information on Health Promotion Solutions of Southern New England and Richard Cain, PhD, call 401-368-4944.

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