Tips for Talking About the Facts of Life

Too frequently we refer to talking to our teenagers about sex as "having the big talk." The label "big talk" is misleading because it implies that the talk only happens once and that it is a torturous event. Neither is true! Here are some tips on how to talk to your teens about sex without anxiety and pain.

• Creating teachable moments: Don't just schedule one "sex talk" with your teen. Use day-to-day, natural opportunities to start a conversation. For example,
  • You and your teen are watching television and the characters on the show have sex without much thought. You could remark, "Why doesn't anyone on this show worry about STDs or HIV?" Your remark can be an entry point into a conversation about sex.
  • Leave your teen a magazine or newspaper article about adolescent sex to read and later ask what he/she thought about it.
  • You see a teen magazine in his/her room that has an interesting article. Ask him/her what the article was about.
    
    
• Building blocks: Just like building blocks, every little piece is important to the overall structure. Similarly, no matter how small, every conversation about sex is important to the overall openness you create in your relationship with your teen.
  
  
• 15 minutes can be plenty: A 15-minute ride to the grocery store or to school is plenty of time to start a conversation. You can always pick up where you left off the next day or the next week. Small sound bytes can be more effective than one-hour conversations that may leave your teen feeling overwhelmed.
  
  
• Be curious, don't judge: Start a conversation by asking your teen's opinion ("I heard this on the news, what did you think about that?"), but do not pass judgment ("I cannot believe 14-15-year-olds are having sex."). Passing judgment will close doors to future conversations.
  
  
• Sex and sexuality: Talk about all aspects of sex and sexuality, not just the risks or dangers. Talk about the positive aspects such as dating, being in a relationship, feeling sexual, and enjoying romantic feelings. Your teenager will respect your opinion even more if you present both positive and negative ideas.
  
  
• Communicate clearly and thoroughly:
  • Don't assume that your teen already knows how you feel about him/her having sex. Be open and honest about your values.
  • Learn the facts about sexual development, contraceptives, HIV/STDS before you teach them to your teen. Books and educational shows are helpful but they cannot replace your involvement. By taking the lead, you are showing your support and willingness to talk about sex. This sets the stage if your teen needs your help in the future.
  • Use technical names (i.e., penis, vagina, or orgasm) rather than vague terms.
  • At times, let your teen be the teacher and listen to what he/she says. A mutual conversation will build respect and encourage openness.
    
    
• Use humor: Relax. Make jokes. Humor brings people closer and communicates your comfort. If you feel comfortable, share a blooper moment from your past.
  
  
• Be patient AND persistent: Your teen may not be interested/ready when you are. Don't feel discouraged. Be patient but don't wait on the sidelines for your teen to come to you. Persistence communicates that you care and are willing to talk.

Key Points to Remember:

Tips courtesy of Project STYLE, a program funded by the National Institutes of Mental Health dedicated to educating teens about HIV prevention and healthy choices about sex. Project STYLE is led by Larry Brown, MD, Celia Lescano, PhD and Wendy Hadley, PhD, at the Bradley/Hasbro Children's Research Center, with additional sites at the University of Illinois at Chicago and Emory University.

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