Talking with Kids
about Tragedy
 One
of the most difficult tasks a parent has to face is that of talking
about tragedy with their children. Recent international tragedies, such as the earthquake in Haiti, may make this discussion necessary. Although there is no way to make this task
easy, there are some basic guidelines which may help parents organize
the discussion in a way that is helpful to their children.
- Remember to consider the developmental level of your child. When speaking with younger children, emphasize that they are safe and cared for. Children under the age of 8 or 9 may not understand abstract
concepts like death. Be sure to include
the facts in a simple way, even if that seems hard for the child
to hear (i.e., "We won't see Grandma anymore"). Couch
these facts in as warm and supportive a framework as you can;
for instance, with reassurances that you are going to be there
for them. With older children, it is appropriate to give more
information.
- Invite questions. Even if your children seem to understand
what happened, remind them that they can ask you questions any
time. Many times, children take some time to process tragic events,
and will not ask about them until later. Remind them that questions
are okay.
- Expect regression. In the wake of loss or tragic events,
many children will regress to earlier behaviors, particularly
ones that are associated with comfort, such as seeking favorite
toys, or wanting to sleep in the same room with their parents.
These behaviors are normal coping mechanisms in the face of tragedy,
and are no cause for alarm. Most children will return to more
age appropriate behaviors in 1 to 2 months after the event, and
often much more rapidly. However, if these behaviors continue
beyond this general time frame, consult your pediatrician. Particular
attention should be paid to regressive behaviors that interfere
with your child's functioning, such as repeated school refusal
and sleep or appetite disturbance.
- Children express grief differently than adults. Don't
necessarily expect children to display their grief through tears
or sadness. Often, children show their grief through anger and
disobedience. If you see this happening, it helps to sit down
with your child and let your child know that it's okay to feel
upset about the tragedy. Many times, children don't know why they're
upset—they need adults to help give them the words to express
their feelings.
- Structure helps. One of the things that most help children
through tragic loss is a continuity of family structure and tradition.
If at all possible, continue to do the things your family usually
does—whether these are family dinners, special games, or involvement
in religious or cultural groups. While children need to have the
tragedy acknowledged, they also need to know that the world will
go on.
- Remember your own grief. Often, parents will try to repress
their own feelings in order to stay strong for their children.
While it may not be helpful to grieve extensively in front of
your child, it is very important to take care of yourself, and
your own feelings of loss. Children can easily sense when a parent
is tense or anxious, and it is important to acknowledge your own
pain and loss, and to get whatever help you need.
- Point out all the good that is being done. There are many rescue efforts to help the people in Haiti, which is sometimes overlooked in the media coverage. Physicians, nurses and other medical staff are going to Haiti, companies are sending needed supplies, the government is sending monetary support. It’s important to focus on the fact that people are helping in the wake of a tragedy.
Finally, remember that tragedy is a part of every life—the
job of parents is not to shield their children from tragedy, but
to help their children become resilient enough to survive it. This
is not often a job that anyone can do alone, and if you need help,
ask for it, from friends, family, clergy or helping professionals.
Find out more: Tips for talking
to kids about traumatic events
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