How to Talk to Teenagers About the Facts of Life:
Key Points to Remember
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The content of your discussions about sexuality will depend somewhat
on your family's values about sexual behavior. Bradley School psychologist
Carol Faulkner, PhD, says the following points are important to
remember:
- It is important not to ignore the physical and emotional changes
your pre-teen/teen is going through, and not to make them feel
ashamed about their developing bodies, or their curiosity about
sexuality—both are obviously normal.
- There is no evidence that teaching about sexuality leads to
earlier sexual activity or more sexual activity in children. Talking
about sexuality and sexual behavior, and giving kids information
about sex does not encourage them to have sex. Instead, it gives
them accurate information with which to make their decisions about
sexual behavior, and can decrease their risk for problems associated
with sexual behavior.
- Perceived parental disapproval of teen sexual intercourse is
strongly associated with abstinence in teens. Although kids naturally
seem to reject parental values in adolescence, by adulthood most
adopt values similar to their parents. It is important for your
child to know where you stand in terms of values about sexual
behavior.
- While it is fine to make clear statements about your preference/expectation
that your pre-teen or teen will wait to have sex until a certain
time (marriage, a loving relationship, adulthood), it is important
to avoid harsh judgments about the character of teens who don't
wait—these statements can alienate your child, and make them
less likely to be willing to talk with you.
- Parents CAN give the message that "I don't want you to
have sex, but I love you and if you make a different choice, I
want you to be safe about it."
- It is important to be clear and detailed in information you
give to kids—for example, if you are talking about sexually
transmitted diseases, explain the specific behaviors that can
put them at risk for these diseases. It is also important that
you are specific with your child about which behaviors you feel
are acceptable, recognizing that there are many different ways
for pre-teens and teens to express their sexuality.
Finally, supervision and monitoring the whereabouts and friendships
of your children is just as important or more important than setting
specific limits on behavior. Parent-child communication, parental
monitoring and supervision, and close family relationships are three
of the most important factors that are linked to teens and pre-teens
delaying sexual activity.
General Advice
Short talks Are Better
First, the ideal conversations begin early (when children are
preschoolers) and consist of multiple "mini-talks" rather
than one "big talk" when children enter puberty. However,
it is never to late to begin these conversations.
Smaller talks give the message that the parent is open to ongoing
discussions, whereas the "big talk" gives the message
that the parent is uncomfortable talking about the subject, and
wants to get the talk out of the way.
Discomfort is Okay
Parents and teenagers are likely to be uncomfortable if these
conversations are starting during the pre-teen or teen years. It
is fine to acknowledge that discomfort with your child by saying
"I realize that we haven't talked about sexuality much, and
it might feel uncomfortable to talk about this with me, but it is
such an important issue that we really need to have some conversations
about this." It is also important to welcome follow-up questions
from your child, and if they don't come, be sure to follow up anyway
by asking them if they have any questions, or asking them what they
think about what you've talked about.
Use the Media to Start a Conversation
One way to broach the subject of sexuality is to use television,
movies, or music to "jumpstart" the conversation. If you
ask to listen to your teenager's music while driving in the car,
or ask to watch any PG or R rated movie with them, there will be
plenty of opportunities to ask them what they think about the sexual
messages they are hearing or seeing. While it is essential that
your teenager knows your family's values and your opinions about
sexual behavior among teens, you will have better luck engaging
them in conversation if you ask them about their thoughts first,
and follow up with your thoughts. These first conversations might
be brief, but they open the door for later conversations.
Talking with Your Teen to Younger Siblings
Another way to start engaging your teen in discussions about
sexuality is to ask them to help you talk to a younger sibling about
sexuality and sexual behavior. This can give you an opportunity
to find out what sort of information (or misinformation!) they have
and allow you to give them more information. It can also give you
a window into what aspects of sexuality they find important, and
that can help guide you in your conversations with them. It also
shows your respect for your teen and their ability to think maturely
about these issues.
The Indirect Approach
If you're not comfortable talking about sexuality directly
to your teen at first, or they are unwilling to talk to you directly,
it may help to start to talk about these issues with other adults
in front of them. Simply commenting to a friend or your spouse in
front of your teen about something you've heard on the news, or
something you read about teenage sexual behavior makes it clear
to the teen that this subject is not taboo, and they will certainly
be listening to what you say. They may be more responsive to direct
attempts to talk to them later, if they already know some of your
thoughts, and know that you are willing to talk about the topic.
Other Resources
Finally, there are many excellent books written for preteens
and teens about all aspects of sexual development and sexual behavior.
While conversations between parents and children are probably best
since you can answer questions that come up in conversation, books
can be very helpful. Ideally, you can give the books to your child
and then follow-up by asking them what they thought and if they
had any questions. Children are naturally very curious about sexuality,
and the chances are good that they will read the books.
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